Toddler Tantrums: Taming the 'Tantrum'

As an educator and parent, I know too well the stress and anxiety that creeps in when you encounter the ‘tantrum’ stage, and the ironic thing about tantrums, is that they often appear during the untimely moments such as in the supermarket, at a friend’s place, at school or maybe even at a restaurant. It’s often during these moments that as parents, you feel the weight of the world watching your every move and response, as though you’re in the middle of a chess game with your child and they’re saying, “your move Mummy”. It is because of this behaviour, appearing around 2-3 years old, that we hear people refer to their children as going through ‘the terrible twos’ or ‘the threenager year’.

Toddler tantrums are booms in development that result in a child’s over-exaggerated emotions. To deal with a tantrum, get down to your child’s level, stay calm and acknowledge their emotions. Refocus their attention, provide choices and coping mechanisms, while reinforcing that they are loved.

Whether you’ve encountered the ‘terrible twos’ or escaped these only to come across a ‘threenager’, it’s important to understand the reasoning behind your child’s behaviour, which I will explain in this article. This is the key to taming the tantrum and supporting your child to develop resilience and emotional understanding.

Where does this behaviour come from?

Between the ages of 2-4 years, children experience an ‘emotional boom’, a significant event of emotional growth and one of the most important milestones for their emotional development. During this time, children become aware of these ‘big emotions’ but lack the understanding of what they mean and how to react, often resulting in a tantrum. Without being taught, children don’t know how to put words to these ‘big’ emotions like frustration, anger, embarrassment, guilt and shame.

How can I support my child?

Get down to their level
Whenever you’re addressing a child’s behaviour it is important to get down to their level. Being on the same physical level as you can help children feel safer (not intimidated or frightened), more in control, and more connected to you.
Stay calm and in control
Tantrums themselves, are a child’s loss of control. Control over their bodies and the situation they find themselves in. By staying calm, you are able to maintain control of the situation and are able to talk your child through what they are feeling. Model clear and calm tones as you talk.
Acknowledge your child’s reaction by naming the emotion
Children don’t understand what they are feeling. By naming emotions, it teaches your child what each particular emotion feels and looks like. For example

“Mummy can see your tears, I can see that you are feeling sad”

OR

“Mummy can hear you shouting, I can see you are feeling angry”.
Refocus child’s attention
In the moment, children’s attention is solely focused on their outward emotional outburst. By refocusing your child’s attention, it allows your child to calm themselves down. This can be achieved through getting your child to take deep breaths, getting them to count something in their environment or talking about a known interest.
Give them 2 choices

“you can take a deep breath, we can have a cuddle and continue our day" (reminding the child of the fun things planned)

OR

"You can continue to sit here, but we will run out of time and you will miss out on what we have planned"
Remind them they’re loved
Once your child is calm it is important, as a parent, to remind your child that they are loved and to communicate your behaviour expectations.

“Mummy loves you very much, but I did not like how you treated me. In our family we do not kick, hit or thrash on the floor, it is not ok”.
Give them strategies for next time
As they are still little, children struggle to think of alternative behaviours when they come across these strong emotions. Because of this, it is important for you to give them strategies for next time and to remind them of these when you see the behaviour brewing.

“when you are feeling angry, you could out your hand on your tummy and take some deep breaths”

“When you are feeling sad, you could ask for a cuddle from Mummy or Daddy”
Cuddles
Lastly, and mostly importantly, ending your talk with a cuddle and/or a kiss helps your child to move forward from the tantrum.

You’re not alone

There’s no doubt about it, tantrums happen to everyone. And when they do, it feels like nothing could be more frustrating, terrifying, and embarrassing in that moment. But just remember, you are wonderful, beautiful/handsome, intelligent and YOU are the parent. Staying calm is your ultimate tool, a tool that keeps these big emotions in line and something that your little one does not yet possess.